"Where can I get my husband really, REALLY lost?"
"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about little puppies." Gene Hill
"In dog years I'm dead" Unknown
"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for
them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear." Dave Barry
"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl." Penny Ward Moser
"The dog's kennel is not the place to keep a sausage." Danish Proverb
"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs." Aldus Huxley
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." Robert
"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives."
"Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a
"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves."
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most
amazing haul- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" Anne
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." Rita Rudner
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money."
"Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant." Unknown
THE NEW SCHOOL PRAYER
Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule.
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.
If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a federal matter now.
Our hair can be purple or orange or green,
That's no offense, it's the freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise,
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.
For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all.
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the State.
We're allowed to cuss & dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues & cheeks.
They've outlawed guns; but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.
We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the unwed daddy, our Senior King.
It's "inappropriate" to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such "judgments" do not belong.
We can get our condoms, & birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires & totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No Word of God must reach this crowd.
It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school's a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot,
My soul please take.
ROTARY TILLER RACE
You have to see this to believe it- and no, I'm not making it up- The Willamette 200 World Championship Rotary Tiller Race. As they say, ``Unique among motor sports, we like to say it is the highlight of the tiller racing season."
FLIGHT ATTENDANT HUMOR
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other
announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
2. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the
loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
6. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
7. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take
them with our compliments."
9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be
distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."
11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"
12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as
Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really
hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the
passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of
his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would
have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a
cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I as you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
A VERY QUIET, CONSERVATIVE MAN OWNS A PARROT.
But the parrot is not quiet or conservative at all. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating
himself and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird more angry and he swears more than ever. Finally the guy says, "OK for you." And locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches and squawks, and when the guy lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective so embarassing that he has to throw a blanket over the bird so the neighbors won't hear. At that point, the guy is so mad that he tosses the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then suddenly it gets very, very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of
minutes of dead silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto
the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I will certainly do my
best to improve my vocabulary from this point on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the amazing transformation that has come over the parrot. Then continues the parrot, "and by the way, what did that chicken do?"
THE MONA LISA A SELF-PORTRAIT? CHECK IT OUT FOR YOURSELF:
IF PRO IS OPPOSITE OF CON, THEN WHAT IS THE OPPOSITE OF PROGRESS?......CONGRESS.
- Men's restroom, House of Representatives, Washington, D.C.
IF VOTING COULD REALLY CHANGE THINGS, IT WOULD BE ILLEGAL
Revolution Books, NY
AT THE FEAST OF EGO, EVERYONE LEAVES HUNGRY.
- Bently's House of coffee and tea, Tucson, AZ
IS THE END NEAR, YET? READ ON...
A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued....and won.
In delivering the ruling the judge, agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires."
After the man cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
HOW TO GIVE A PILL TO A CAT
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right finger and
thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right
hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws
open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted
by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop
pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair
curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in
end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply
Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to
leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records
for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence
while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy
duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed
by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill
14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and
removes pill remnants from right eye. Call a furniture shop on the way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
DOG BREEDS THAT HAVE POTENTIAL:
Deerhound + Terrier =
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
Spitz + Chow Chow =
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier =
Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund =
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso =
Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel =
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever =
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound =
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog =
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador =
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer =
Moot Point, owned by...oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie + Malamute =
Commute, a dog that travels to work with you
Bloodhound + Borzoi =
Bloody Bore, a dog that's not much fun
Pointer + Setter =
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Collie + Lhasa Apso =
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
"RIGHT AWAY, SIR!"
A young engineer was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with
a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one
A TRUE STORY FROM NEIL ARMSTRONG
Here is a TRUE anecdote about Neil Armstrong...
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small
step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic
between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he reentered the lander, however, he
made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark
concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the
Russian or American space programs.
Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant,
but Armstrong always just smiled. On July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL, while answering questions following a
speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally
responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball,
which landed in his neighbors' backyard, under their bedroom window. His neighbors were Mr. &
Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr.
Gorsky. "Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
A SAD AND FUNNY STORY ABOUT AIRCRAFT PARTS
Finally a sad and funny story about the J-3 cowling. I was out of town all last week and the owner of
the cowling had his wife drop off the Wag Aero fiber glass parts and an old set of original metal
ones he had around. No one was home and the garage door was open, so she stuck them just inside
the garage ... against the wall ... next to the garbage can ... (you can see where this is
going). This is the place I set bulky trash that doesn't fit in the garbage can. Thinking he was helping, my father-in-law cut up the parts so they would fit in the can and put them out
in last week's trash. So when I returned home from my business trip, there was not hide nor hair
of the long-awaited cowling parts.
If the parts had been left in my shop, things would have been OK, but they were left in the garage, next to
the garbage can. Now I get to make a full buck from scratch. I found a fellow who also has a
J3 but lives much closer than the guy for whom I am going to make the cowling. This closer J3 owner
used to be the commander of the Top Gun school!
AN IDIOT'S IDIOT
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting
it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police
pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie
detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
HOW DID YOU BREAK YOUR ARM?
Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written in this account
by a New Orleans' paper.
A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of
anybody's heart. Conditions were perfect. 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all
over, "Tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.
One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He
told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form
of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not
go away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of
12 below zero doesn't help matters.
So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of
the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the
woods. No one would even notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate
camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If
you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set up
your skis so you don't move.
Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving, even
during embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control,
racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and into another slope. Her derriere and the
reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the
while. She continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other
The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift and finally collided violently with a
pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long
last her husband arrived, put an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the mountain and
summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital. In the emergency room she was regrouping when
a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers.
"So, How'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk. "It was the darnedest thing you ever saw," he
said. "I was riding up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this
crazy woman skiing backward out-of-control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her
clothes and pants down around her knees. I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't
realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift." "So, how'd you break your arm?"
:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
GUNPOWDER AND CEREAL
A man once counseled his son that if he wanted to live a long life
the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his Cornflakes every morning. The son did this
religiously, and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grand-children, 35
great-grand children, and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
MECHANIC'S TOOL GUIDE
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod
to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your
front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old
age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes
to the rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human
energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to
transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on
fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing
race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used
mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the
speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time
it takes you to say, "Ouc...."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new
front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly
for getting dog-doo off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any
known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and
brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an
accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the
inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good
source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at
night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same
rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the
Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash
oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and
transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips
rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in
order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
SPANNER WRENCH: a bedeviling wrench that causes you to improvise with a pair of Craftsman
needle-nose (see NEEDLE NOSE PLIERS) freeing you up to waste several hours attempting to get the Spanner
nut off but breaking the needle-nose and causing you to drive 3 times to 3 different Sears stores to
replace them. You forget to buy a Spanner Wrench while you're there each time.
SNAP RING PLIERS: see SPANNER WRENCH. Causes all above the same effects with the addition
of finally getting the ring off, but at 450 mph straight into left eye.
NEEDLE NOSE PLIERS: see SPANNER WRENCH and SNAP RING PLIERS. Useful for breaking while
attempting to remove spanner nuts and snap rings.